you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
