my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
