So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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