would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
