I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
