we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
