Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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