Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
