i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
