An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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