I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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