I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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