How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
