woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
