ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
