The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
