from now on my penis is your penis
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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