She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
