Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
