Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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