were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
