I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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