I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I looked at my own cervix.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
