Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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