babies were throwing up all over the place
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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