I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
