We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
