hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
