you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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