Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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