Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My bed smells like the plague
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
