That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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