I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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