How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
