idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I did not marry a roomba.
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