i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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