Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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