Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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