Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
there's paper in my vomit.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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