she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
