did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I looked at my own cervix.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
