Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
