hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
