a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
This is the high leading the old right now
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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