why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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