I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
