Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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