I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
