i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
