Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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